When It Hurts So Bad (or Smash Pedestals)

[Disclaimer: The author of this article assumes that if you have a crush on someone and think they are SUPERAWESOMEFANTASTICANDGREAT then you have already told them. If you have NOT told them then the author really does not know what the fuck you are waiting for and this article may not help you. However, if it does help you then, hollaaaa and let us know.]

Well, pals and gals, I’m sitting at home with my music and a family-sized bag of Jalapeno chips and guess who’s NOT calling my phone… You guessed it, the MF I have a crush on! Yeah, he has the number and yeah, he knows I’d love for him to call me. But, do you want to know WHY he NEVER calls me? Because:  He. Doesn’t. Fucking. Care. That’s why!


Friends, I gotta be honest. That’s one liberating realization right there. He doesn’t care!

(((Ohhhh. I get it now. So, like, when you “have a crush” on somebody…YOU are the one who gets crushed. [Pretty much! Crazy huh?]..))) Well, (((here’s how NOT to get crushed anymore. Are you ready for this…? I hope so!–))) I’ve compiled a list. ❤

Number One:  Understand that if you’re not interacting with this person regularly then all the things that you think of him or her are likely NOT based on fact and reality. You may be in love with YOUR own imagination and not this person. I’m just sayin’, if you find yourself thinking about this person and having dreams about him or her and then crushing harder — I’m sorry to have to be the one to break it to you but you’re allowing your fantasies to run the show. With that said… You may have this person on a pedestal. Now, you can wait for him or her to fall off of that pedestal (as they eventually will) or you can go ahead and smash that shit now while they’re still on it. Bet they’ll notice you then. 😉

1a: since you used your imagination to build the damn pedestal you can use your imagination to now SMASH that same pedestal. stop imagining how great the sex will be. instead, understand that it will likely be average and not last long. stop imagining how good he smells and entertain the thought that this person farts, burps, and takes (hopefully) regular shits and sometimes has early morning bad breath… juuuuuust like you! just another human…not above anybody.

2a: stop torturing all your friends by talking about this person endlessly. they don’t want to tell you this because they love you but they want to talk about something else… especially if you aren’t going to take any of their advice and JUST tell him/her how you really feel already.

Number Two: You might be suspicious of me after that first item (and that’s fine) but try this one on for size.  If you are able to see how SUPERAWESOMEFANTASTICANDGREAT this person is…ask yourself WHY you’re not (acting like you’re) willing to face the fact that they are not giving you any play. That may be an embarrassing thought. Hopefully, it will bring you back to the knowing that you are too damn flyy to be sitting around waiting for somebody to notice you.

Number Three: To add on to item two, if you REALLYREALLYOMGREALLY like somebody and they KNOW how you feel (because you TOLD them, DUH!) and they still don’t reach out to you without you reaching out first but then take DAYS to respond (if they respond at all) and (maybe) happen to already be seeing someone else… well, then, NOW would be a fabulously ideal time for you to face reality. *Blinks*


Number Four: Now, if you have been waiting in the “Friend’s Zone” which really isn’t so much a ‘zone’ as it is a SHELF (a dusty shelf)…then you owe it to yourself to climb your little ass down off that shelf and go kick it with someone who REMEMBERS that you exist. Now, doesn’t THAT sound like a lovely idea, Friend??

Number Five: You might take some time to consider who’s on YOUR Friend-zone-shelf-backburner! Who are the ones who take time out of their lives to check in with you to see if you’re still alive (that you always forget to get back to, ooops!)? Who’s texting and calling and writing and visiting? Huh huh huh? Because THOSE are the ones who CLEARLY have amazing taste (I mean, they like YOU after all)… and just think, if you shared your time and space with the ones who are crushing on you — you could, one, get to KNOW them; two, help them to stop being crushed; and three, you could stop stalking the guy or gal who doesn’t want you. Everybody wins!

Number Six: This is my last statement (for now)… I’ll just say this because maybe you don’t know… if someone isn’t giving you the time of day and you KNOW you have plenty to offer — they may not DESERVE it. My sister always says “don’t share it with people who need it; share it with people who deserve it.” Still not convinced?…Go on a fast from Disney movies and romantic comedies for a year and then come back and read the article again.




(p.s. ok, seriously, my last word on the topic:  unless your friend zone looks like this…get out NOW !!!)




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